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2009-08-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly 2 years since our first son was born still. He was 34 weeks when he died of a cord accident. I started a blog back then, documented in specific detail my every emotion for months, and then one day I decided that I didn't have anything to say so I deleted it.

For a few months I was ok with my decision but now, as time goes by, I wish more and more that I hadn't erased everything. I would love to go back and read my most personal thoughts and feelings but they are gone. I'm finding that I have more to say so here I am, starting anew.

Since then, I've had two more miscarriages. One in January of this year, and the second this past May. I'll probably write more about that later when I have the urge to feel some of those terrible, exhausting emotions that I've so perfectly tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind. It's hard for me to even go there because when I do it takes me a long time to get back...out of dead.baby.land.

Today I was in a class at work. Out of nowhere, while the instructor was reviewing how to create a chart, I remembered the last kicks of my little baby before he died. Right there in class I was wishing for the chance to go back there...to feel him again.

I feel cheated! My friends are all having babies, one after another, yet I can't. My babies die. I feel inaduequate. Like my womanhood is really just nothinghood. I work, keep a clean house, take good care of my husband, and babysit everyone elses kids. I've tried to tell myself that I'm ok with being the DINK (double income no kids) couple but I'm not.

So What Now? I'm hoping this blog will help me work thru all this crap in my head about trying to have another baby, or maybe adoption is the answer.

Thanks for taking the time to read this...I miss the ladies in the dead.baby.club...such wonderful support.

Jen